Hello All :)
I am sorry I haven't written in so long. Know that
I have not neglected you on purpose but rather have not been able to fit you in
with the unexpected chaos.
Chaos is OK though. It allows us to reflect and to
ponder the wonderful things God has to say to us. Being in bed and out of
commission sometimes allows us to spend less time thinking about what needs to
get done and allows us more time with God.
Which is how I came to ask myself a very
important, yet necessary, question. Who am I serving? Am I serving people or am
I serving God? The answer of course seems obvious. God! Of course I am serving
God! By helping His people and doing it in His name, I am serving God. But as I
have time to ponder that answer, I realize that the answer may not be that simple.
One thing is required from us: Love God, Love
others. It's a simple request, yet impossible to do with out God. (1
Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love." and John 15:12 "My command
is this: Love each other as I have loved you." and Matthew 22:36-40
"“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus Replied
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and
with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second
is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the
Prophets hang on these two commandments") This requires humility
on our part because we will soon realize that we can't even do the one thing
that is required of us on our own! But before we are saddened or let down by
this we can look to the cross and know that "He alone makes it
possible". (Thanks for the inspiration Mom- haha)
How is this relevant? Recently I have been
questioning myself, my motives, what drives me to push on. Is it God? Is it
others? Is it me? Now before you smack your head and roll your eyes and say:
"Isn't this something you should have been sure of before you left
America!?" I will remind you that often our prayer and judgment is clouded
by earthly things. That even the most sincere of prayers can come, not from our
desire to please God, but from our own earthly and selfish desires. It is easy
to mistaken positive outcomes as answers from God, and though sometimes they
are, we forget to ask God if those things were from Him, or if they were
worldly outcomes, and we forget to look for any other answer, because why would
we? We got the answer we wanted!
Coming here was easy. I prayed about it and I
thought I put it in God's hands. I said "God, if you want me to go to
India you will make this happen." And left it at that. (1 John 3:22
"And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments
and do those things that are pleasing in His sight.") As support started
rolling in I was excited. Here was God providing, opening the hearts of the
people I had asked. How amazing!! It was exciting and I felt confirmed that
this is where God wanted me! However, oppositions started coming up, such as:
student loans! How will I afford to pay student loans while I am in India? I
couldn't! And the only way to avoid paying was to go back to school. So I went
back to school. My prayers were a little different: "God, why did you put
this in my way after you made it so clear that this is what you wanted? Why
now? God this will be hard to do school while I am out of the country? Is this
still what you want?" When I turned to people for advice, I just heard
affirmations: "Grace, God will never say no when you ask him to serve His
people." "Grace, why would God provide all that support if He wanted
you to go?" "Grace, are you doubting your initial prayer? God
answered yes, don't doubt His answer."
I have to question the truth in that advice. Can
we discern the will of God based on things going our way? Who are we to think
that we know what God is saying? Who am I to assume that my family's love and
generosity came from their love for God and not out of their love for me? And
who am I not to question the obvious set backs? Somewhere in between all
this I let myself take control. I thought heard God answer "yes" and
after that I stopped asking him for advice. I pushed away possible
"signs" from God and only saw them as resistance and distraction from
the truth. I stopped listening for an answer because I thought that I had
gotten one. I think we often do that. I think that when we get the answer we
want, we stop listening, and we stop asking. I should have constantly been
consulting Him and asking for His advice.
Isn't that how we all were raised though? From day
one at home, at school, and at work, we have been told to do something and then
expected to start it and finish it, as fast and as efficiently as possible, and
also not make any mistakes. God, however, does not expect that from us quite
like that. God tells us to wait and listen for His answer. (Hebrews 6:10-12
"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have
shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each
of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for
may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate
those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.")
He tells us that He will ALWAYS answer our prayer and if we ask for it in His
name we will get it. God has three responses to prayers: Yes!Yes, but wait. And
no! (Ecclesiastes 3:1,11 "To everything there is a season, A time for
every purpose under heaven...He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also
He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work
that God does from beginning to end")
So why did I stop listening for answers? Why did I
take the first thing that looked like an answer and roll with it? Because I am
human (duh). As sinful people we all have the exact same short coming, which
is: being human and NOT being God; which is why we need to rely on God
completely and fully, and constantly be listening to His answers. As humans we
care what other human's think too much: how to impress people, how to please
people, how to help people, and how to serve people. Unfortunately we forget
that those things don't matter, that we should really substitute
"God" in place of "people": how to please GOD, how to honor
GOD, how to help GOD by serving people. It is so easy to get wrapped up in
earthly opinions and forget about the one opinion that matters to me.
So what am I getting at? This is all true, no? But
what's my point? Am I saying that I am throwing in the towel? That I made the
wrong decision? No, not at all.
It has only been one month and twenty days. Within
this month I have learned more about my walk with God than I have learned in
twenty two short years. This is what I have learned:
1. I am faithless. (ouch, that was a hard lesson
to learn, but don't worry I'm working on it)
2. I am bossy (yes, I even try to boss God around)
3. I am proud.
4. I care WAY too much about what people think,
what they want, and disappointing people, instead of caring what God thinks,
what God wants, and disappointing God.
5. God loves me despite ALL of this, and despite
ALL of this he died on the cross to save ME because of his unconditional and
undying love for ME and wants ME to be his best friend.
Wow. How can you not get emotional reading and
understanding that last point. If you don't get emotional you don't fully grasp
this concept and God has more work on your heart to do ;)
1. I am faithless. I came here expecting to
succeed, expecting to change lives, and thinking that I was already enough.
HAHAHA!!! (I think that was what God said to that). He knocked me on my butt
and tortured my heart in a way I have never known before. He put me in a place
where all I had was Him. Where I had no one else to talk too, to trust, to rely
on, but Him. He needed me to know what it was like to trust and rely completely
on His presence and His love. I needed to know what it felt like to be completely
and utterly alone so that I knew what it was like to feel Him. I needed to know
what it was like to cry out to Him, to beg for His grace, to submit and say
that "I was wrong!" that I did not know best, that only He knew my
heart and knew what was good for me. I thought God had already broken my heart,
but I was so wrong. I thought that I had relied on God before, and I had! But
not completely, I had never sought help from God alone, and I needed to know
how to do that. God taught me how to be faithful, how to trust Him, and taught
me that He loves me and knows me and knows whats best for me and that He needed
me to be as completely and totally in touch with him as I possibly could. I was
reminded about the story of Daniels and the Lions Den. Though I did not face
lions, or any danger really, Daniel was alone. He could not rely on others to
get him out or to hold the Lion's mouths shut, he had to rely on God and trust
that God would bring him out in one piece. Just like that I had to place my
fear into God's hands and trust that God would bring me out in one piece. I
believe that God wanted me to tell Him what was on my heart. Of course God
already knew, but he needed to hear it from me.
2. I am bossy! Who knew! (shut up, Dad). I think
that I know what's best for everyone. This quality trait is what drove me to be
faithless in the first place. Sometimes, don't tell anyone, I think that I know
better than God. I think I know whats best for me. This is such a ridiculous
and stupid thing to think, but I think we all often get bossy with God. We
think we know what is best for us despite the fact that: 1. God
created us; 2. He loves us more than our mothers do; 3. He knew us before
we were born; AND 4. He knows our future. So why do we think we know whats best?
Because we are human!!!!!!!! AHHH!! We are like children who want to eat only
french fries and chocolate. We think that because it is good and satisfying it
will be good for us. We do not see the long term effect it has on our bodies
and we can't know or understand the toll it will take on our bellies in an
hour. But God knows! He is like our parent. He knows that our bodies need
nutrients and vitamins to function and prosper and he knows that it will make
our bellies sick. But as children often do we complain and whine. We want what
we want and we want it now, and because God loves us we have free will and are
able to do what we want. He allows us to make those mistakes and learn from
them even though the effects will hurt us. So how does this apply to me? I
thought I knew exactly what to do when I got here. I forgot to ask God what He
wanted me to do here. I thought that if I knew what I wanted that's what God
wanted too. I was so wrong. God made that very clear. But I needed to learn to
trust Him. To know that He knows whats best, that He has my best interest at
heart, and the He is always in control. I needed to be brought down a notch and
I needed to be put in my place. I don't know anything. I am bossy, I think I
know what is best for me and others, but that is not a quality God admires. He
is the only one who knows whats best for me and the only one who knows what
will make me happy. If I do what I want to do and not what God wants me to do,
I will fail and I will be unhappy and angry. If I do what God has planned for
me and what He wants me to do I will only succeed and be happy.
3. I am proud. Oh yes, aren't we all? I did not
even know I was proud! This is short and simple. God does not need me to carry
out his plan. I am foolish to think that I am great enough to alter God's
plans. However, the reverse is true: I need God. With God I can not fail. I
think often this is forgotten or lost. So many times I have heard : "but
what about God's plan?" and "Is this what God's plan for you is?"
and the truth is, God's plan is going to happen whether I mess up or not,
because He is God! I am not justifying sitting around doing nothing and waiting
for God's plan to just fall into place, then I would be lazy; but I think we
often get wrapped up in thinking that if we fail or if we don't do things
exactly right, we will ruin God's plan for us! This is such a proud way to
think and that is how I processed things, so I needed to be taken down a notch.
I needed to know that with out me God is still God and he can still do whatever
He wants!
4. I care way too much about what people think and
not enough about what God thinks. Oh, don't we all! In fact if you don't feel
this way at I am very envious of you! Here are the facts though: God will
still love me (and you) regardless of what I do or do not do. The bible clearly
says that there is nothing we can do to make God love us more and nothing we
can do to make Him love us less. That His love is 100%, completely
unconditional. (Ephesians 2:8-10 "For it is grace you have been saved,
through faith -and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God -not by
works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in
Christ to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.")
This is what makes God so amazing and unique and His love completely impossible
to fathom. Often people can get wrapped up in their own agendas. We all have a
"save the world" complex and we want everyone to take part in our
mission. We are lucky when people have the same passion and the same drive as
us to accomplish things. However, we need to remember that we are all human. We
all fall short and we all make mistakes. God does not count our failures but
rejoices in our accomplishments. We have to remember to do the same. I have been
so worried about what people are thinking of me this whole trip. What if I
fail? Will people be mad at me? What if I discover this isn't what God wants?
What if God leads me in another direction? How do I come out of that with out
people being disappointed? As it turns out it doesn't really matter what other
people think. It doesn't matter if others think I have failed or if others
think I am headed in the wrong direction. What matters is that I have prayed
about it, that I am continuing to trust God about it, and that I am consulting
Him through every thing. Through out the bible God tells us that HE is the only
one that is worthy of judging others. (Matthew 7:1-5 "Judge not, that you
be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with
the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that
is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or
how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when
there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your
own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's
eye." Luke 6:37 "“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not,
and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;" James
4:12 "There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to
destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?" Romans 14:1 "As for
the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions.")
Though these verses are often mentioned while considering the severity of
people's sins I think we forget about the judgement we pass on our fellow
brothers and sisters in Christ. We often question the choices they make and ask
each other "Is that really what God wanted? As brothers and sisters we
need to trust that they have made their decisions based on lots of prayer and
consideration, even if it may not fall in line with our own plans and agendas
or what we think is the right thing to do. Obviously this is easier said than
done. Its hard to pass judgment and its hard not to consider what people think
of you. In the end though, God is the one who will bring you happiness and
success and clarity. Not anyone else.
5. God loves me despite ALL of this, and
despite ALL of this he died on the cross to save ME because of his
unconditional and undying love for ME and wants ME to be his best friend. This
makes my eyes water whenever I read it. How do we even begin to fathom that the
creator of the entire universe wants to know us. He wants to know what we are
thinking, He wants to know when we are sad and when we are happy, and He wants
to be the only one responsible for our joy. A few weeks after I moved here I
listened to a podcast by Pastor Judah Smith who is a pastor at The City Church
in Seattle Washington. The sermon was called "The One You Love" and
it's available on podcast and I would HIGHLY recommend listening to
it!!!! The point of his message is that God's love is not about how much we
love Him its about how much He loves us. God created our love we can not
impress Him by loving Him! Salvation was not a joint effort. Christ died for
us. We did nothing to deserve it and nothing to earn it. In fact, God died for
us before we were even born. The only way to impress God is through our faith
in Jesus. He suggests that we should pray by saying, "Hello Lord, Its the
one you love. The one you love the most. You're favorite child." Because
we are all God's favorites. He loves all of us the most. Agape is God's love,
His consuming love! Grace is not man's love for God but God's love for man!
How do you even wrap up a blog post after that!
Haha after that there is nothing left to be said! I hope if you have read
anything you have read that last paragraph because it is about all of us!
All of this being said. I don't know what my next
move is or where God will lead me. I do know that I am not afraid nor anxious
because I know that He will not abandoned me nor forsake me. (Matthew 6:34
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about
itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.") How can I forget that!
It is with me wherever I go!
Love to you all! :)
Grace
"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your
plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3
Tressa and I ran this first Second Saturday together. We taught the kids some new bible songs (Oh Happy Day and If You're Happy and You Know It) and we told them the story of Esther. We gave the kids tons of coloring pages and they were so excited (apparently they usually only get one but we printed them out an entire booklet haha) Then we broke for lunch. Tressa and I forgot lunch (typical) but one of the guys that works with us offered us some of his Yellow Rice, which is AMAZING!!!! So far the best Indian food I have tasted yet. When the kids returned from lunch we played games. We had them split into boys and girls and we had them play a game of hot potato that was morphed with duck duck goose. Instead of getting out the kids would just sit in the middle until the next person got out. It was so much fun and we played some classic American tunes for them of course, which they loved!!
This post isn't really about reading its more about looking at the pictures :)
